Write

I want to write. I want to write beautiful things. Metaphors and smile's swirling around the page like a ballerina. I want it to hit you. I want you to understand. I want you to be able to relate. So I don't feel alone. I want you to see me for me. Not a page stained with random rambles. I want to be able to change the world with just a sound, noun or word. I want you to feel what I am feeling. I need you to understand. I need you. I don't handle rejection well, okay that's a lie. I don't handle rejection at all. That's why it's easier to write down my thoughts than say them. I'm able to hide the blushes when I see you read a sentences. I can hide that oh godforsaken feeling of "why did I show you this". This is me, things I would never dare to say. Laid out there, blossoming from its cold darkness formally known as my closed off mind. I bottle things up, bottle them up so deep somewhere. I can't even remember if it happened. It just so surreal. No it couldn't have happened to me, it happened to someone else. Faint memories are just that, I'm watching myself through someone else's eyes. I need to understand, I feel lost. Hopelessly lost and I'm scared, I want to go back home. The curtains are slowly closing, my tears have dried up, my voice fading. Who is this? What did you turn me into? The person bowing in front of this people isn't me. I no longer want to write, I need to write so that one day, I realize that you're really me. A part of me. I want to write, so you know how it feels like. To fight with yourself constantly over the same soul. I feel like there are two minds in one body. I want to write, to tell you to back up, leave me alone, disappear anything. I want to write so you know what you're doing to me.

Surreal

Life to me is surreal and sometimes I pinch myself to see if I'm really here. I once saw a glimpse of some preview documentary, and some guy goes "Proof to me, that you exist". Holy cheese, one thing that I at least was sure of is being questioned. I hate it when people question things that are unnecessary. Dude why do it? Now I am going to have doubts. And doubts aren't good cause they lead to endless wonders and what if's. So thanks for screwing everything up. What if I liked my little bubble? Just sheltered from the world and all it's ignorance, hypocrisy and greed. Is it that much to not want to be exposed to reality. Because reality stinks, people screw others over for what mainly money, power or materialism. And that's why life is so surreal, because we really do not want to believe that there are people like that in the world. I am not brave enough to face this world, so stop questioning things and sucking me back to reality. I like it here for the time being, and when I'm strong enough and my faith is stronger than ever, question away. Until then don't burst my bubble.

Cows

Okay, this may sound strange and it should be up there on that imaginary list of phobias underlined, in bold with a big star next to it. I have the biggest fear of cows. Yes, I admit it. No, I'm not ashamed okay maybe a bit because I don't sound like the usual warrior that I am. Okay, I lied I'm not really a warrior, maybe one of those little medicine woman. Okay Okay! I am properly the mad old woman with scary stories and myths. But I properly wouldn't mind that. I think they're quite funny and to have people listening to my every word, sounds very cool. Anyway back to cow's. Everything about them, is just. Arghh! The mere thought of it and I feel faint. The thing that scares me so much apart from the fact that they're just plain scary. They stare at you with this blank expression, God knows what they are thinking! I mean with a lion or something else at least you know what it might do to you. With a cow there is no way of knowing, it just stares and chews grass and stares. I don't like the way they stare as well, they look as if they're judging you. And that "moo" sound, what is up with that? Honestly, it's unnatural. They tilt their head up when they say it, so it just looks weird and a bit demonic. Actually it looks extremely demonic.

............................................................................................................

The way I discovered my fear for cows was in the worst way imaginable. I signed up for Duke of Edinburgh. Ahh, I remember that stupid grin on my face when I attended the meetings, the last thing on my mind was the possibility that we may stumble upon a cow. Oh, and yes we did. Loads of times! It was torture, and the cows in the country side they're like HUMONGOUS. Like the one's you would see in the X-files or in the X-men. Honestly I'm not exaggerated, okay maybe a tinny tiny bit but they look like mutants. I got so scared at one point that I held my friends arm so tight I actually made her bleed. I have never begged for anyone's forgiveness like I did that day, I felt so bad. But at that moment that was the last thing on my mind, fear just bitch-slapped me across the face. And my mind is not one bit faithful, it just abandoned me right there and then. All I remember was being in a field in the middle of nowhere and hundreds, okay 20 cows there, in the same field as me. Just staring and omg, my heart sank, they just kept on coming closer. I mean come on, take a hint. I'm near to tears and they think it is an invitation for some cow loving. I think not. And the worst thing was I refused to move so I just stood there like a moron, frozen holding my friends arm so tightly. My eyes look as if they would pop out of my head like one of those glasses you can get for Halloween. Once my trail of though came back, I noticed I was behind a fence and the cows couldn't get me. And since then, let's just say. I don't get why people always say how us urban kids don't go to country side. Surely it should be obvious.

Wondering

I wondered what it's like to live in the house filled with the most expensive things a girl can dream of. Then I wondered what it would be like if I didn't have a house at all. I wondered what it was like to grow a hundreds years old, a lifetime full of joy, life and memories. Then I wondered what if I never lived, never tasted the sweet essence and satisfaction of taking my first deep breath. I wondered what it was like to own a closet drowning in shoe's of every colour, style or size. Then I wondered what it was like to have no feet. I wondered what it was like to swim in a ocean filled with money that never ran out. Then I wondered what it was like to never even see a penny. I wondered what it was like to let love flood my heart and burst into flames of warmth knowing you're truly loved. Then I wondered what it was like to never have heard the words "I love you". What I'm trying to say is we as humans we are never happy and always want more and forget about appreciating the things we have or the fact that we're blessed to be given an opportunity to get those things. We should always appreciate even the small things in life, mainly because some aren't as lucky as us to have that. I'll leave you with a quote that got me thinking: "I was crying because I didn't have any shoes, then I saw a man crying because he had no feet". Be humble, swallow your pride and realize there are people worse off than you. So lets all say thank you and appreciate the things you have whether it is just having a Mom or Dad. Or maybe having your own room. Even small things you would overlook such as being alive right now, being loved. Also things that sometimes get on your nerves more than anything, appreciate those too, such as school or siblings.

Distraction

I keep on getting distracted, why is it when ever I sit down to revise. Pointless useless task fill my head, I think I am the biggest procrastinator EVER! It's getting to a point where I actually deserve a big slap, well not that big. Cause that'll hurt and I don't want to walk around with a bruised swollen face. People will think I'm getting abused at home, and once the cops come knocking at my door interrogating my mother about my bruises, then I WILL be getting abused at home after. So lets forget the slap for now, I'll just do a mental slap instead :]. Going back to getting distracted a lot, to be honest I don't think it's that bad...is that a bird o_O. Okay it is, it sucks because I never get things finished, and the workload just piles up and I'm so screwed that it is irreversible. Since I don't want that to happen, I guess I should get back to work. =S

List

20 things I want to do before I'm 20. =]

1. I want to go to a concert, front row. Messy. Get stepped on pushed, item's stolen the whole deal.
2. I want to go paragliding, or something really cool and adventurous. Knowing me you'll properly have to force me to do it. Since I'm a wuss.
3. I want to change my image radically for at least a week.
4. I want to hike in a country, preferably Sierra Nevada or Lake Tahoe in America. As far as I know there aren't no freaky cows there so it's all good.
5. I want to sing Karaoke by myself in a packed out place. Which out of the whole list is the scariest one for me personally.
6. I want to go skinny dipping! haha, I'm joking. But something spontaneous like that.
7. I want to go a whole week not planning nothing in advance and just doing it, on the spot. Like throwing a last-minute party or whatever. I won't even put suggestions because that'll ruin the whole "just do it".
8. I want to do something selfless like charity, but something that I would normally never do like run a 5K marathon. That's a sight I like to see. O_O
9. I want to fall head over heels in love with someone.
10. I want to get my heart broken. I know stupid thing to say, but experience wise I would learn so much.
11. I want to befriend a complete stranger in the most strangest place.
12. I want to get something pierced. I HATE needles, like absolutely HATE them. So this is going to a tough one.
13. I want to go paint balling, I so know I'm going to regret putting this up after the bruises.
14. I want to play a really big prank on someone, muhahah. (6)
15. I want to go on a cruise ship, even if it's a short one.
16. I want to take at least one picture each day, someone with my memory needs pictures to remind me of times that I know, I don't want to forget.
17. I want to go University and just have fun, because girls just wanna have fun (8)
18. I want to waste a ridiculous some of money on something I don't really need. Or maybe get something of a really expensive brand like [insert brand] =]
19. I want to date a guy from a each different stereotypical group. Like a "skater-boy" or a "emo" or a "gangster" and so forth.
20. Most of all I want to be at a point, when I can honestly say I am happy with life and everything between it.

Woo! so take out your stop watches because the deadline till I'm 20 start now. Go! Go! Go!

I feel a bit tired so I'll properly start tomorrow XD.

Thoughts

I think A lot, a bit too much shall we say borderline of becoming a complete psychopath. =] Honestly if anyone had the faintest idea what goes on in my mind, I would be so screwed. The other day someone mentioned how God can hear or see even hidden things. And boy did I get scared. Forget mankind judging you, the big man knows what I'm thinking. Scary. But last time I checked you don't go to hell for thinking stupid stuff. And if there that is true, I'll just ignore the person who said it. Because ignorance is truly bliss. But honestly, my thoughts aren't even coherently or logical. There are all over the place a bit like my homework sheets scattered around my room. I tend to think about the past or the future. Never the present, maybe cause at the moment is way too boring. I am in desperate need of spontaneity like a crack-whore needs cocaine. Beautiful way to describe it, don't ya think. ;) So I was thinking, about how I always think. And I came up with a thought. Thinking is the only place I can be myself, think whatever I like without judgemental eyes. So I'll think away thank you very much...