Wondering

I wondered what it's like to live in the house filled with the most expensive things a girl can dream of. Then I wondered what it would be like if I didn't have a house at all. I wondered what it was like to grow a hundreds years old, a lifetime full of joy, life and memories. Then I wondered what if I never lived, never tasted the sweet essence and satisfaction of taking my first deep breath. I wondered what it was like to own a closet drowning in shoe's of every colour, style or size. Then I wondered what it was like to have no feet. I wondered what it was like to swim in a ocean filled with money that never ran out. Then I wondered what it was like to never even see a penny. I wondered what it was like to let love flood my heart and burst into flames of warmth knowing you're truly loved. Then I wondered what it was like to never have heard the words "I love you". What I'm trying to say is we as humans we are never happy and always want more and forget about appreciating the things we have or the fact that we're blessed to be given an opportunity to get those things. We should always appreciate even the small things in life, mainly because some aren't as lucky as us to have that. I'll leave you with a quote that got me thinking: "I was crying because I didn't have any shoes, then I saw a man crying because he had no feet". Be humble, swallow your pride and realize there are people worse off than you. So lets all say thank you and appreciate the things you have whether it is just having a Mom or Dad. Or maybe having your own room. Even small things you would overlook such as being alive right now, being loved. Also things that sometimes get on your nerves more than anything, appreciate those too, such as school or siblings.

Distraction

I keep on getting distracted, why is it when ever I sit down to revise. Pointless useless task fill my head, I think I am the biggest procrastinator EVER! It's getting to a point where I actually deserve a big slap, well not that big. Cause that'll hurt and I don't want to walk around with a bruised swollen face. People will think I'm getting abused at home, and once the cops come knocking at my door interrogating my mother about my bruises, then I WILL be getting abused at home after. So lets forget the slap for now, I'll just do a mental slap instead :]. Going back to getting distracted a lot, to be honest I don't think it's that bad...is that a bird o_O. Okay it is, it sucks because I never get things finished, and the workload just piles up and I'm so screwed that it is irreversible. Since I don't want that to happen, I guess I should get back to work. =S

List

20 things I want to do before I'm 20. =]

1. I want to go to a concert, front row. Messy. Get stepped on pushed, item's stolen the whole deal.
2. I want to go paragliding, or something really cool and adventurous. Knowing me you'll properly have to force me to do it. Since I'm a wuss.
3. I want to change my image radically for at least a week.
4. I want to hike in a country, preferably Sierra Nevada or Lake Tahoe in America. As far as I know there aren't no freaky cows there so it's all good.
5. I want to sing Karaoke by myself in a packed out place. Which out of the whole list is the scariest one for me personally.
6. I want to go skinny dipping! haha, I'm joking. But something spontaneous like that.
7. I want to go a whole week not planning nothing in advance and just doing it, on the spot. Like throwing a last-minute party or whatever. I won't even put suggestions because that'll ruin the whole "just do it".
8. I want to do something selfless like charity, but something that I would normally never do like run a 5K marathon. That's a sight I like to see. O_O
9. I want to fall head over heels in love with someone.
10. I want to get my heart broken. I know stupid thing to say, but experience wise I would learn so much.
11. I want to befriend a complete stranger in the most strangest place.
12. I want to get something pierced. I HATE needles, like absolutely HATE them. So this is going to a tough one.
13. I want to go paint balling, I so know I'm going to regret putting this up after the bruises.
14. I want to play a really big prank on someone, muhahah. (6)
15. I want to go on a cruise ship, even if it's a short one.
16. I want to take at least one picture each day, someone with my memory needs pictures to remind me of times that I know, I don't want to forget.
17. I want to go University and just have fun, because girls just wanna have fun (8)
18. I want to waste a ridiculous some of money on something I don't really need. Or maybe get something of a really expensive brand like [insert brand] =]
19. I want to date a guy from a each different stereotypical group. Like a "skater-boy" or a "emo" or a "gangster" and so forth.
20. Most of all I want to be at a point, when I can honestly say I am happy with life and everything between it.

Woo! so take out your stop watches because the deadline till I'm 20 start now. Go! Go! Go!

I feel a bit tired so I'll properly start tomorrow XD.

Thoughts

I think A lot, a bit too much shall we say borderline of becoming a complete psychopath. =] Honestly if anyone had the faintest idea what goes on in my mind, I would be so screwed. The other day someone mentioned how God can hear or see even hidden things. And boy did I get scared. Forget mankind judging you, the big man knows what I'm thinking. Scary. But last time I checked you don't go to hell for thinking stupid stuff. And if there that is true, I'll just ignore the person who said it. Because ignorance is truly bliss. But honestly, my thoughts aren't even coherently or logical. There are all over the place a bit like my homework sheets scattered around my room. I tend to think about the past or the future. Never the present, maybe cause at the moment is way too boring. I am in desperate need of spontaneity like a crack-whore needs cocaine. Beautiful way to describe it, don't ya think. ;) So I was thinking, about how I always think. And I came up with a thought. Thinking is the only place I can be myself, think whatever I like without judgemental eyes. So I'll think away thank you very much...

Homesick

I miss my house. I miss my home. I miss the memories contained within the cold brick of my home. I miss the moments, I lay on my bed thinking. I miss the warm embrace of my bed. I miss my room, my universe all mine. I miss the concrete walls of my rooms. I miss how they all had a mark, a special way for me to recognize it. Like that time I hit my head on the wall because I snorted with laughter. And caused a bit of paint to come off. Or that time, my little brother thought my room was a big canvas for him to draw on. I miss the misty glass from our cold winters. I miss how I would drew little love hearts on it when it fogged up. I miss the carefree, worry free just plain free freedom. I miss how I walked out the door, feeling safer outside than inside. There was nothing I could fear. I miss my friends, my school, my family, my life before, my home, my entire world. I guess I'm just feeling homesick.

La La La

Music is a way to describe your feelings/emotions perfectly. If you can't say it, sing it. Bellow out those note's, regardless if like my you're tune-less. Close the door, shut off reality and just go for it. The only thing stopping you, is you. And you'll realize that in life, it is mostly you. But because we don't like to admit and accept blame for actions we tend to regret we blame it on someone else. Like the old saying " when you point at someone, three fingers are pointing back at you". What I'm trying to say is, just go for it. You want to sing, don't sing. Scream out random lyrics. You want to dance, don't dance. Jump energetically around. You never know when life's little treasure will disappear, so be greed. And used them all up before it is too late. All together now:

La La La ♫♫

Daydreaming

It's like going to bed, wide awake. A perfect little exit from reality. Block out all the noise and letting your mind drift away into a universe designed only by you. Imagination has no barriers, stretching further than the heart can see. No wonder I always daydream, no one to tell me no or judge me in any way. Dreams themselves are one of life's beautiful gifts, but the fact that we can dream outside of the comfort of our bed. Is just incredible, and I am forever grateful. Sometimes I wish that I could forever stay in this blissful state, but it's when you for that split second realize the person in front of you has the weirdest expression on their face, thinking you're staring at them. A very awkward moment indeed. When daydreaming the last thing on my mind is how I look when I do it. To be honest, I don't really care, once I start daydreaming. There's no coming back, well until my teacher shouts at me to pay attention, either way I wish I could stay in my own personal utopia. But nothing good last forever so it's back to reality.

Cheesy

I have the biggest grin imaginable on my face, mainly because of the amazing power of a well known superhero who doesn't need to wear neon spandex to be recognized. No it is not a plane, or a bird or superman, it's a little technology formally known as the Internet. Many thanks to it and a life time of gratefulness. Why? Because thanks to you, I've been able to reunite with old childhood friends. And the feeling was overwhelmingly cheesy. I smiled for no reason. And laughed without a care in the world for the whole day. These special people I haven't seen for about 10 years, so it was such a shocker. Especially at a time when I taught I was losing all familiarity. Old childhood friends enter into my life. Maybe there is hope for a future, without forgetting the past. =]

Opposite

Do opposites attract? Are we really as unique as we make out?

Crush

I wasn't sure if I should write about you, but you know what they say better out than in. And considering the fact that today you have been on my mind more than usual. I just had to open my laptop and start typing. You see, I'm worn out like at the point of giving up. But obviously it's never that easy, otherwise I would've stick to it the last time. Cause every time I want to forget about you, you do something. And that something isn't anything, it puts the biggest smile on my face, and turns my cheeks blazing red. And then for the rest of the day, I rehearse that moment constantly in my head. Maybe that something, may be the most insignificant thing ever like when you say my name in that oh so adorable way, but to me it's everything. God, I swore I would never be like this but what can I say crushes are hard, makes me wish they came with an instruction leaflet. Whenever I want to forget about you. A few minutes pass and you do something that makes me go right back where I started. I've noticed that whenever you're not there, my day pretty much sucks. I know pathetic right, but to be honest it does. This whole thing is way too frustrating for my tiny little mind. I like you, I don't like you, I like you, I don't like you, I need to forget about you, I like you again, Where the hell are you? That pretty much explains my week. I sound so lame. And I am pretty sure in a couple of months, I would be writing the same thing about another boy. A couple of days ago you said I was the best, if only you knew how that erased every trace of any negative emotions I ever felt and flooded me with only positive feelings, feelings I never felt before. I freaking felt like I was flying. Guys please be careful what you say to girls. Actually scratch that say this as much as possible, but not too much or you might be wanted for manslaughter as I could have a heart attack. What intrigues me about you is how mysterious you are, like I mean mysterious, as in I don't know NOTHING about you mysterious. And I'm pretty sure you already think I'm weird, so I won't approach you anymore to get to know you. And OMG! A day or two ago, you hovered over me explaining something, even though you got it wrong it was just way too cute. I couldn't breath like literally my heart stop and that moment felt like a century. And of course knowing that in this life nothing is that perfect, I discover I had a BIG ZIT on my face! Like Rudolph! And I know you saw it because it was HUGE! and you were like millimeters away from my face. I know I sound like such a girl, see what you've turned me into. Argh I could really use an aspirin and a hug to deal with this. =\

Remember

Remember that day we first meet. 7 years ago, Boy if only we knew what the next few years would hold. Maybe, just maybe. No! I never regret meeting you. Life would be just, not life anymore. Do you remember how our old schools playground was turned into a football field just for us. Do you remember how we completely ignored each other? We were so focused on what the hell Naima was saying? She always wanted to be center of attention, commanding all eyes to be on her. The way she jumped up, when Miss asked who wanted to captain, was so typical of her. Do you remember how she barked at us random orders, like fetch the ball. But I refused so Marvianna had to go instead. Woah it's been long since I said her name, much changed since that day. complete 360 some would say. Oh well, maybe another post for that. Do you remember how we were assigned our roles, I was defender, you were keeper. Do you remember how we still didn't see each other? Till that moment. Do you remember how I was joking about with Priscilla calling her "bolle". Do you remember how you laughed so loud, that I turned around. It was then that we first notice each other. I smiled at you and you blushed for laughing so loud and smiled back. I carried on with Priscilla, and you carried on laughing. But that wasn't the day we became friends, you remember? It was that day we went to The Roef for outside school practice for our tournament. Do you remember how it was closed? so we stayed inside. Do you remember how some girls took Naima's hat off and they played piggy in the middle. Do you remember how we joined, and that the hat flew to me. Do you remember how Naima ran towards me and I smacked my back into the wall hitting a nail and I fell down, tears rolled down my eyes? I still remember how painful it was. silly .. ............................................................................................................ ... . .. I remember how you made me smile, how you made me forget all the pain. How you made me laugh. How you were the only one who cheered me up at that time. I remember how you didn't care what people would think of you, or how weird you looked. I remember how you said "Hey, Look!" And rolled around the floor like how a fish does when it gets out of the water. I remember how you made this weird sounds and we both laughed like maniacs. As if it was just us in the room. YOU. .......................................................................... ........................................ The rest is history

Been a While

Okay! I know I haven't posted anything for a while now, but honestly it's cause my laptop broke. No! Honestly! You believe me! Good! So, lets see nothing really happened this week or the one before. I got my results back, there were okay. Decided I'll have to retake about three to get the grades I want. And to be honest I'm pretty excited for University. And erm oh yea, saving up is a bitch. Whenever I don't want to waste money, I notice about a billion things I want to buy. It's as if they know I won't buy it. Why tease me like this? Meanie! And plus I always thought when you save up it would equal to thousands of rock solid cash, but it really isn't. Maybe I'm not doing it properly? Either way I'm really excited about this summer, we'll be reunited in a pretty place which is definitely a plus. What else? Oh yea, I'll promise to write everyday now. =]

Secrets

I cry when I'm alone because being vulnerable reveals us, I whisper things that really are on my mind but if you ask me what I just said I'll deny it.

I look at people for acceptance because I've rejected myself. When I close my eyes, it is not because there's something in my eye even though I'll convince you otherwise. It's because I can't deal with reality. When my laugh fills the classroom, all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry. I won't tell you when I'm upset, or if I'm angry. I'll just smile it off and change the topic. Why? Because I'm scared if I told you, I don't know when to stop. I'm like a vulcano ready to errupt. Kept these emotions hiding for too long, so I smile and laugh harder than normal to ensure they stay hidden. Because you don't realize how much I miss you, seconds past, minutes, hours, days, years but that feeling never leaves. It haunts my every move, word, tear, step, smile. Breaths down my neck whenever I close my eyes. Torments every dream. You might be thinking why don't I just tell you? Because it isn't fair on you. I can tell you feel the exact way or sometime even worse. It clouds the athmosphere whenever we speak. I know you love to pretend to be thick skinned and that nothing hurts you, I know that this is not the case. I won't tell you because I don't want to be the reason for the pain. Instead I'll sniff all the tears back in, shove the words back into my throat and close my mouth with a key. I'll do this everyday untill we are at a place where we can be completely honest, when we are together. Cause I'll take a life time of pain to ensure you don't feel an ounce of it. But...I..Miss..You..

.

What? Oh nothing, I didn't even say something!

What if?

Pirate bones by Natasha Bedingfield. I absolutely love this song. It made me think, about life and what ifs? I mean we all wish life was different, or that something might have gone differently. So I ask myself what if? What if there wasn't any rain, would we be able to see a rainbow? What if there wasn't any silence, would we notice a sound? What if there wasn't any pain, would we appreciate any joy? What if there wasn't any though, could there be a word? What if we were all the same, would you recognise me? What if my cheeks were sculpted, would I smile differently? What if my voice was louder, would the meaning be silenced? What if my eyelashes were longer, would it shelter my from the world? What if my mother language was different, would I be like an lost orphan? What if I was smaller, wouldn't I find a different way to be taller? So many questions left unanswered. Quite frankly I don't know, if what ifs are even worth it. I know reality at times sucks, but a what if isn't going to changed that. It would just lead to more grief. Anyway what ifs are overrated. Instead of shedding tears for the things you don't have. Smile and celebrate what you do have. So I am happy that my eyes aren't blue, that my nose, mouth, ears, face, cheeks are at the right size for me anyway.

Change

The end of an era is slowly creeping upon us, are we ready to let go of familiarity and enter into the unknown. Slowly I can feel the fingertips of its security slipping away, one by one. Until one day, that is it. It's only me against the world. Buckle up, it's going to be sure as hell a bumpy ride.