Goodbye

I've made up my mind, once and for all. I've given up hope, honestly I'm completely worn out. I feel like ,you know when you've been in a bath for way too long, and your fingers become all pruned up. Well that's the best way I can describe this "friendship". The longer I keep on this charade, the more its going to hurt or change me. Clearly I don't want either to happen. So the only thing we can do is to part. Because we're both at fault here, and I'll put my hands straight up to that. I shouldn't have carried you along for so long. I should have been more open and honest about my feelings, but I didn't. Instead I fooled you into thinking everything is okay, when it isn't. And for that I'm sorry. I'm even more sorry because I'm carrying on the charade until we finish school. I keep convincing myself it's because I don't want our mutual friends feeling uncomfortable. But to be honest I'm a bit of a coward cause I have not got the slightest idea on how you might react. Same way, I didn't know that you was going to hurt me. I have picture many different scenarios on how I'm going to tell you. If only you knew. Realistically I know not even one of those scenarios will come true, it would be too easy. Life is never easy. Hopefully we can look back at this and maybe learn something at least. I know you'll hate me and we'll lose touch. Because your the type of person who would hold a grudge. But I want you to know, it wasn't easy. Which shows I did, do still care about you. And I'll treasure our memories. But sadly the bad moments outweigh the good. Leaving me here in this cold room, waving goodbye to a soon to be old friend..

Noticed

I have noticed that it is useless to try and forget the past and moved on. What you did, weighs onto me like an anchor refusing to let go. Hatred, jealousy, aggravated. None of those emotions are associated with you to be frank, I don't feel anything. Except confusion, do I really want you in my life? I don't know the answer to that. At days I wish I never met you, sometimes I'm actually glad I did. Either way I've met you now, I trusted you and you threw it back into my face expecting me to be fine with it. Clearly I'm not. Clearly its not all fine. Are you delusional or just extremely naive. It makes me wonder how your mentality really works.

Summary

Guilty

Today I lied to myself convincing myself all is fine. And because I lied to myself I also lied to others. I lied to you. I smiled and shrugged it off when you asked if I was okay? Instead I wanted to break down and let out the tears I've been hiding. I told a few jokes, so your laughter could drain out my thought process. When I ask you if you could go shops for me, it wasn't because I was hungry at the time. I just needed you gone for a second, before I did something irrationally. Because my mind was screaming at itself telling me countless words I want to tell you, but in reality they might never leave my lips. Sadly, it's getting harder each day though I would never admit this. I rehearse what I say to you, to make sure that I don't let anything slip. I walk oh so carefully and smile my widest smile, so you would never guess. That it is all an act. An act which I have perfected for quite some time and I can't seem to differentiate this "me" with the real me. It pains me because I'm meant to enjoy my last few months at school for ever, yet I count the mini seconds till its over. Till I never have to see you again. I'm so sorry but it isn't good for my health. Believe me I tried. Over and over again. I just...can't let it go. It is just there, every time, haunting every step, every breath I take. Just following me like some bad smell that just won't wash away. And that's because I can't wash it away, well not at this moment without ruining everything, for everybody. I feel so guilty to myself, others and most of all to you. It might not mean anything but...

.

Sorry!

Blush

Today was quite a good day for once. The guy whom I swore I didn't have any feeling towards any more, was eaves dropping into my conversation and was laughing slyly at what I was saying. Woah, I have never turned so red in my life. It was as if all those emotions from the past couple of months slapped me across the face. So obviously I acted like such a girl, cause my mind sort of betrays me at moment like these and it goes completely blank. Picture a complete retard, well that's how I looked like. And now I have to figure out what the hell is going on between our little roller-coaster ride, because I'm starting to get nauseous.

Imperfection

Have you ever notice that imperfection actually say: "I'm Perfection". Or imperfect says "I'm Perfect". Okay the apostrophe isn't in the actual word but you know what I mean. I am just going to pretend you never notice that and that I am a complete genius. I'm going to carry on with my genius-ness, hehe. To be honest I hate both word in general because they're simply mean. Out of all the words in the universe regardless of any language. I find these words the worst. Because nobody is perfect, we're all humans who make mistakes some more than others but who cares. We've been all given an unclear path without any navigation skills, so we're bound to get lost somehow. And its the time that we have been lost, that we learnt from because we tried so hard to go back to the path that we were previously on. And that in its self is an accomplishment to be proud of, some people would give up. Yet still these people aren't imperfect because some of life's greatest challenges is to know when to give up and start another route. Sometimes we cross paths not with everyone but with some. Feel privileged, because you are able to take a bit of their path and learn from them. Life, love, friendship and all other beauties in life are two way streets, so if you fill your street with kindness, care and love may you find another street which compliments or completes your street. Fill it with harshness, cruel words and unhappiness then don't be shocked if you meet other streets that are worse than yours. Okay enough metaphors to do with street, roads and stuff. What I'm trying to say is we are all perfect in our own way. And nobody or nothing can tell us otherwise. . Tear those horrid words from your dictionary and watch your own unique perfection blossom.

Wish

Tongue-tied

There so many things that I want to say to you, but I can't. Not right now at least. I used to be this strong confident person who said what was on her mind. But lately around you it is getting harder and harder. Sometimes I have this crazy urge to pull you outside and let my mind unfold right in front of you. But the thing is, it isn't pleasant to hear for either of us. I can't pretend and keep up the charade no longer. The mask is slowly peeling off. And I am terrified for what that day will hold for our future if there is one left after. You see through this painted smile of mine hide oceans of tears. Over my loud laugh, you won't see the bruises this has caused. Sometimes I feel that when I'm around you I have this thick layer over the real me, because you hurt me once what is to say you won't again. The sad thing is I can see cracks appearing and I don't want to fix them, not at all. I have to one day be true to myself, my old self and tell you how I am feeling. Because this is always going to be in the way, sometimes everything is okay. And then just for a moment, even though it is a small moment. I can feel it in my guts that nothing is truly okay.

Chapter

Holy cheese! I haven't posted anything in a while! sorry,I would love to say I have been busy or some uberduper excuse but to be honest I haven't. I have been so LAZY! Like I can't be bothered with anything at all. The weather is also a major downer. Like today I spent almost an hour or 2 outside cause nobody was home and because I'm such a total genius I forgot the keys. Boy, it was hard I tell ya, really hard because it was so so so cold. I felt like an icicle, today honestly made me appreciate the heating and my bed so much more than usual. I almost kissed it but I stopped cause my mum gave me one of those "Is she really my child? Surely I wasn't this weird?". So instead I mentally kissed it. Oh summer please hurry up! you see I like winter, when it's snowing I love the snow. But since the move I haven't seen much of it, but I have seen a whole lot of rain and general freezing minus zero temperatures. So to be frank, I sure as hell won't miss seeing the last of that. Okay being the indecisive child that I am, I'm not looking so forward to the summer. Mainly because it's my last year in school and though I won't admit this out loud so I'll whisper it instead. I am going to miss everyone and I mean everyone so badly. But then at the same time I want school to be over with and not close that chapter of my life but maybe put a little fold at the top of the page, so when I want to look back at it I can. Yet, like time itself I have to move on, so in that case here I come all my pen's, stickers and colours filling up a new chapter. But before I do that let's finish this chapter with a Bang! I want to say what's on my heart to somebody. Confess something to another and just enjoy and grab everything that comes to me with a big hug and a cheesy grin...

Anxiety

I have a feeling something is going to happen. A really bad feeling.

Don't know when or how. It keeps me up at night. It is all i think about at times. I would never admit this out loud but I'm scared, petrified. You see I don't like change. Full stop. Change scares me. I lay there in my bed, my eyes wide open counting the seconds because no matter how hard I try I cant stop change.

Smile

Breakdown

Ha-ha!! You didn't realize I was this strong. Dont EVER underestimate me. Okay, I can see the confused expression on your face. Let's say, there was this girl and a "friend" of hers. Well, this girl accepted her "friends" fake smile and lies. Till the webs of deception tied the girl up while her "friend" eyes drank her frail mind up. But what's she didn't realize was that this girl personality is multifaceted (hint hint :P) meaning this girl has many different side/aspects to her. Making her unpredictable. This "friend" didn't realize this that these sides are unseen to the the naked eye. And these sides only come out to played when needed, like an Arabian snake that dances out of its woven box when the music plays. I am counting the days and minute when I like a snake can dance out of my little box and sting you leaving you shocked. No, this is not about revenge but about sending a message...

Optimistic

Optimist thinking is the key to happiness, and happiness unlocks many, many doors. Rewind that horrible moment and re-evaluate, look at the little things and smile. You learned something, and remember experience is priceless. Life without the adversity is like a rainbow without a little rain. Adversity allows growth as human beings so we can develop and progress into who we are. It's sort of like a puzzle and it's impossible to finish a puzzle without getting a few pieces wrong. Smile throughout and be positive and the pieces will come to you. Think about it if you expect the worst, the worst will come to you. Fair enough expecting the worst ensures you won't be disappointed, but sometimes letting your hopes and aspiration pass several galaxies is great. You may not reach them but what the hey! At least the scenery above you is breathtaking. Life is so short, sadly death is inevitable but why give in. Scare death with optimism, hope and dreams, grab life by its bullhorns and ride it to the ground. Sometimes, yes you need to cry, scream, kick and punch around but you see much clearer once you washed the dirt with floods of tears. So don't be afraid, scream all you want laugh untill you pee yourself. Look in the mirror and be proud, you belong to the 10% of the world that are happy. And when you feel down, look back and count all the things that you're grateful for even include things you would normally overlook, like being alive, breathing, being able to read ;)

.

I dare you to actually live!

Soulmate

6 billions people walk on this planet right this minute, 6 billion. And you honestly expect me to find you, I might as well find a needle in a haystack while I'm at it. What if you brush past me in the high street or you're on the other side of the world. Would I expect you to be the exact replicate of the man in my wildest dreams. Or are you just ordinary. You see the thing is Hollywood messed with my mind. I wouldn't know if you were the one unless we bumped into each other and our eyes lock in that cringe but oh so adorable way and we're both left speechless. Of course you'll be the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes upon. And I'm this "babe" who has the perfect hair, clothes and manages the perfect job while having the most incredible body. But guess what, I'm not that girl and if I did bump into someone it wouldn't be romantic as I would properly kill or seriously injure them (I'm extremely clumsy and tend to have my arms/legs flying all over the place usually punching/kicking people). So maybe you've walked past me tons of time, maybe our arms may have brushed against each other. I might have even glanced at you twice and thought:"Hubba Hubba" (yes that is my initial response to hot men in my mind of course,imagine saying that out loud, awkward) The thing that scares me, is that in reality is not actually 6 billion people out there that could be your soul mate. It's more in the 1,000, I mean in this society even though we don't like to admit it race, nationality, religion, sexuality (well that one's a bit obvious) separate us. And now that divorce rates have increased... but hey! don't worry there's a soulmate for everyone. I think this statement is just an optimistic way so we can carry on with life, because no one is sure of what the future holds. Therefore we get this little hope that everything will be fine. If I have to be perfectly honest, yes I would love to believe in a soulmate but can I...

Yes!

Distance

I.Love.You

.

The spaces between these words resemble the ocean splitting up continents. I Blame the ocean for separating the world, no unity. each to its own, miles apart. We may yearn for world peace but how can we if we're so far apart. Distance matters no matter how many times you assure yourself it doesn't. My best friend lives in another country, and I hate it! But of course I can't tell her this, I mean we are mobile creatures therefore its inevitable that distance parts us. Phone's, MSN, Facebook may allow us to communicate, but sometimes I just want you by my side. I want to be able to hug you when adversity hits you, not comfort you over MSN. It frustrate's me beyond belief but I just have to smile and hide the tears when you ask me if I'm okay. Why? If I could cross the ocean in a second and stay by your side, trust me I would in a heart beat. But life is never that easy, instead I sit here miles away telling you I love you. While instead I could've told you in person because the static waves of a telephone will never convey the emotion within the I love you making it sound less meaningful. You don't realize that my heart smashes in pieces when you don't pick up the phone or when I can't find you online. You have been my best friend for almost 7 years that's almost half my life. Yet I'm not there for your birthday celebration or your school shows. All I can do is hope, hope that one day we will be at least in the same country like we used to be. Hope.

Empty

I feel empty. Just empty. I shook myself to see if my contents would spill, but nothing. I am empty. Maybe it's because I giving up on caring, nothing seems to faze me any more. The world could tremble with fear and I wouldn't even flinch. I don't know whether I should be scared or worried, to be frank I don't even understand why I feel this way. Maybe boredom, I mean life is so dull at the moment I am in desperate need of spontaneity, anything would do. Mehh! the clock strikes second further away into the unknown. You see time is oblivious to anything,it simply just doesn't care, its job is to tick and tock and that's exactly what it does. Time doesn't ask questions, stops and think, it doesn't have a conscious or any once of sympathy. Whether you like it or not time waits for no one. Properly by now a minute or so has passed, what I just did before that is now in the past. If you think about it that's pretty scary, every cells in my body yearns for me to just have superpowers that allows me to freeze time but sadly I am unable to that. I can't. Ever. So, what about the future, seeing as the past is a lost cause. I think the future is a blank canvas and the paint you're using is the past but they way you paint is the present. Or am I just babbling nonsense...

Reality

Tired oceans swallow the fears

Soothing waves engulf the despair

Closed eyes erase memories of those years

Wishing I was elsewhere

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Darkness inhales the sense of worry

Exhaling shadows of curiosity

Making everything blurry

Hiding the societies bitter animosity

.

Light radiates the sensation of my skin

Tracing a burning pattern of sunlight

Forcing my soul to wake up from within

I flutter my eyelids in spite

..

Because never will reality be as bliss

As only behind closed eyes does this world exist

Tick tock

The phrase:"If only I could turn back time" speaks volumes to many people...the thought of undoing something you regret sounds like music to my ears. Imagine life was that easy, no regrets, no worries, just with a blink of an eye and I undid my past and changed my future. Just close your eyes and think back to all those moments that you wished you'd done differently. Life would be bliss right? but then how are we meant to learn and progress if we didn't have any regrets. It makes you wonder would you still be the person you are today? Taking that into account, I am glad we didn't have a delete button or the fact that I couldn't grab all the words I didn't mean and shove it back it into my mouth. I mean there was a reason I said that, fair enough it could been said in a different way, but then it wouldn't be me saying it. I admit once something comes out of your mouth, that's it, it just there, suffocating you as the words tightly grasp your neck and you're left speechless. But then looking back at it a sense of relieve overwhelms me because it's finally off my chest. I learned from those experiences and became the person I am today. So I guess I don't regret some moments, it's just how those moments turned out were rather disappointing. Because people do surprise you, one moment everything is fine, the next it is a total disaster and because you were so unprepared, it just hits you like a ton of bricks, crushing you because you were so defenceless. And that's why I have a barrier around my heart, and every time pieces of my heart fall down like leaves off a tree, this barrier becomes thicker and thicker

Silhouette

I stand there looking at a silhouette, I've seen far too many times its left footprints on my skull. It is of course you bitterly smiling at something, that just sits there looking so frail and weak. Just the mere thought of the unimaginable torment this person is going through has brought me to tears. And that's when you turn and ask me to come closer, as I walk towards you. I realize the person your smiling at is, me...

.

The loud thumbing of my heart broke the silence, my breath desperately searching for air. My eyes trying so hard to adjust to the dark, and that's when I find myself drowning in my own sweat fighting back the tears. ahh...another nightmare! The nightmares are just a sweet reminder of what you did to me. You see years have past yet the pain hasn't completely healed. The worst thing is am I desperately holding on to any memory of you regardless of whether it's good or bad. Because once I forget you then what? Am I really going to just like that, go on with my life. What if the path I follow then, isn't the one I want to be on at all? All I want is to live life like I used to, free of worries and what if's, to not second guess everything. But what you did was the ultimate betrayal, should I thank you for showing me what people are really capable off. Or should I despise you for not letting me trust any one any more, always expecting the worst. You see there's one thing that I can't get my head round, no matter what you did.

.

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I still love you!