Tongue-tied

There so many things that I want to say to you, but I can't. Not right now at least. I used to be this strong confident person who said what was on her mind. But lately around you it is getting harder and harder. Sometimes I have this crazy urge to pull you outside and let my mind unfold right in front of you. But the thing is, it isn't pleasant to hear for either of us. I can't pretend and keep up the charade no longer. The mask is slowly peeling off. And I am terrified for what that day will hold for our future if there is one left after. You see through this painted smile of mine hide oceans of tears. Over my loud laugh, you won't see the bruises this has caused. Sometimes I feel that when I'm around you I have this thick layer over the real me, because you hurt me once what is to say you won't again. The sad thing is I can see cracks appearing and I don't want to fix them, not at all. I have to one day be true to myself, my old self and tell you how I am feeling. Because this is always going to be in the way, sometimes everything is okay. And then just for a moment, even though it is a small moment. I can feel it in my guts that nothing is truly okay.