Guilty

Today I lied to myself convincing myself all is fine. And because I lied to myself I also lied to others. I lied to you. I smiled and shrugged it off when you asked if I was okay? Instead I wanted to break down and let out the tears I've been hiding. I told a few jokes, so your laughter could drain out my thought process. When I ask you if you could go shops for me, it wasn't because I was hungry at the time. I just needed you gone for a second, before I did something irrationally. Because my mind was screaming at itself telling me countless words I want to tell you, but in reality they might never leave my lips. Sadly, it's getting harder each day though I would never admit this. I rehearse what I say to you, to make sure that I don't let anything slip. I walk oh so carefully and smile my widest smile, so you would never guess. That it is all an act. An act which I have perfected for quite some time and I can't seem to differentiate this "me" with the real me. It pains me because I'm meant to enjoy my last few months at school for ever, yet I count the mini seconds till its over. Till I never have to see you again. I'm so sorry but it isn't good for my health. Believe me I tried. Over and over again. I just...can't let it go. It is just there, every time, haunting every step, every breath I take. Just following me like some bad smell that just won't wash away. And that's because I can't wash it away, well not at this moment without ruining everything, for everybody. I feel so guilty to myself, others and most of all to you. It might not mean anything but...

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Sorry!