Write

I want to write. I want to write beautiful things. Metaphors and smile's swirling around the page like a ballerina. I want it to hit you. I want you to understand. I want you to be able to relate. So I don't feel alone. I want you to see me for me. Not a page stained with random rambles. I want to be able to change the world with just a sound, noun or word. I want you to feel what I am feeling. I need you to understand. I need you. I don't handle rejection well, okay that's a lie. I don't handle rejection at all. That's why it's easier to write down my thoughts than say them. I'm able to hide the blushes when I see you read a sentences. I can hide that oh godforsaken feeling of "why did I show you this". This is me, things I would never dare to say. Laid out there, blossoming from its cold darkness formally known as my closed off mind. I bottle things up, bottle them up so deep somewhere. I can't even remember if it happened. It just so surreal. No it couldn't have happened to me, it happened to someone else. Faint memories are just that, I'm watching myself through someone else's eyes. I need to understand, I feel lost. Hopelessly lost and I'm scared, I want to go back home. The curtains are slowly closing, my tears have dried up, my voice fading. Who is this? What did you turn me into? The person bowing in front of this people isn't me. I no longer want to write, I need to write so that one day, I realize that you're really me. A part of me. I want to write, so you know how it feels like. To fight with yourself constantly over the same soul. I feel like there are two minds in one body. I want to write, to tell you to back up, leave me alone, disappear anything. I want to write so you know what you're doing to me.

Surreal

Life to me is surreal and sometimes I pinch myself to see if I'm really here. I once saw a glimpse of some preview documentary, and some guy goes "Proof to me, that you exist". Holy cheese, one thing that I at least was sure of is being questioned. I hate it when people question things that are unnecessary. Dude why do it? Now I am going to have doubts. And doubts aren't good cause they lead to endless wonders and what if's. So thanks for screwing everything up. What if I liked my little bubble? Just sheltered from the world and all it's ignorance, hypocrisy and greed. Is it that much to not want to be exposed to reality. Because reality stinks, people screw others over for what mainly money, power or materialism. And that's why life is so surreal, because we really do not want to believe that there are people like that in the world. I am not brave enough to face this world, so stop questioning things and sucking me back to reality. I like it here for the time being, and when I'm strong enough and my faith is stronger than ever, question away. Until then don't burst my bubble.

Cows

Okay, this may sound strange and it should be up there on that imaginary list of phobias underlined, in bold with a big star next to it. I have the biggest fear of cows. Yes, I admit it. No, I'm not ashamed okay maybe a bit because I don't sound like the usual warrior that I am. Okay, I lied I'm not really a warrior, maybe one of those little medicine woman. Okay Okay! I am properly the mad old woman with scary stories and myths. But I properly wouldn't mind that. I think they're quite funny and to have people listening to my every word, sounds very cool. Anyway back to cow's. Everything about them, is just. Arghh! The mere thought of it and I feel faint. The thing that scares me so much apart from the fact that they're just plain scary. They stare at you with this blank expression, God knows what they are thinking! I mean with a lion or something else at least you know what it might do to you. With a cow there is no way of knowing, it just stares and chews grass and stares. I don't like the way they stare as well, they look as if they're judging you. And that "moo" sound, what is up with that? Honestly, it's unnatural. They tilt their head up when they say it, so it just looks weird and a bit demonic. Actually it looks extremely demonic.

............................................................................................................

The way I discovered my fear for cows was in the worst way imaginable. I signed up for Duke of Edinburgh. Ahh, I remember that stupid grin on my face when I attended the meetings, the last thing on my mind was the possibility that we may stumble upon a cow. Oh, and yes we did. Loads of times! It was torture, and the cows in the country side they're like HUMONGOUS. Like the one's you would see in the X-files or in the X-men. Honestly I'm not exaggerated, okay maybe a tinny tiny bit but they look like mutants. I got so scared at one point that I held my friends arm so tight I actually made her bleed. I have never begged for anyone's forgiveness like I did that day, I felt so bad. But at that moment that was the last thing on my mind, fear just bitch-slapped me across the face. And my mind is not one bit faithful, it just abandoned me right there and then. All I remember was being in a field in the middle of nowhere and hundreds, okay 20 cows there, in the same field as me. Just staring and omg, my heart sank, they just kept on coming closer. I mean come on, take a hint. I'm near to tears and they think it is an invitation for some cow loving. I think not. And the worst thing was I refused to move so I just stood there like a moron, frozen holding my friends arm so tightly. My eyes look as if they would pop out of my head like one of those glasses you can get for Halloween. Once my trail of though came back, I noticed I was behind a fence and the cows couldn't get me. And since then, let's just say. I don't get why people always say how us urban kids don't go to country side. Surely it should be obvious.

Wondering

I wondered what it's like to live in the house filled with the most expensive things a girl can dream of. Then I wondered what it would be like if I didn't have a house at all. I wondered what it was like to grow a hundreds years old, a lifetime full of joy, life and memories. Then I wondered what if I never lived, never tasted the sweet essence and satisfaction of taking my first deep breath. I wondered what it was like to own a closet drowning in shoe's of every colour, style or size. Then I wondered what it was like to have no feet. I wondered what it was like to swim in a ocean filled with money that never ran out. Then I wondered what it was like to never even see a penny. I wondered what it was like to let love flood my heart and burst into flames of warmth knowing you're truly loved. Then I wondered what it was like to never have heard the words "I love you". What I'm trying to say is we as humans we are never happy and always want more and forget about appreciating the things we have or the fact that we're blessed to be given an opportunity to get those things. We should always appreciate even the small things in life, mainly because some aren't as lucky as us to have that. I'll leave you with a quote that got me thinking: "I was crying because I didn't have any shoes, then I saw a man crying because he had no feet". Be humble, swallow your pride and realize there are people worse off than you. So lets all say thank you and appreciate the things you have whether it is just having a Mom or Dad. Or maybe having your own room. Even small things you would overlook such as being alive right now, being loved. Also things that sometimes get on your nerves more than anything, appreciate those too, such as school or siblings.

Distraction

I keep on getting distracted, why is it when ever I sit down to revise. Pointless useless task fill my head, I think I am the biggest procrastinator EVER! It's getting to a point where I actually deserve a big slap, well not that big. Cause that'll hurt and I don't want to walk around with a bruised swollen face. People will think I'm getting abused at home, and once the cops come knocking at my door interrogating my mother about my bruises, then I WILL be getting abused at home after. So lets forget the slap for now, I'll just do a mental slap instead :]. Going back to getting distracted a lot, to be honest I don't think it's that bad...is that a bird o_O. Okay it is, it sucks because I never get things finished, and the workload just piles up and I'm so screwed that it is irreversible. Since I don't want that to happen, I guess I should get back to work. =S

List

20 things I want to do before I'm 20. =]

1. I want to go to a concert, front row. Messy. Get stepped on pushed, item's stolen the whole deal.
2. I want to go paragliding, or something really cool and adventurous. Knowing me you'll properly have to force me to do it. Since I'm a wuss.
3. I want to change my image radically for at least a week.
4. I want to hike in a country, preferably Sierra Nevada or Lake Tahoe in America. As far as I know there aren't no freaky cows there so it's all good.
5. I want to sing Karaoke by myself in a packed out place. Which out of the whole list is the scariest one for me personally.
6. I want to go skinny dipping! haha, I'm joking. But something spontaneous like that.
7. I want to go a whole week not planning nothing in advance and just doing it, on the spot. Like throwing a last-minute party or whatever. I won't even put suggestions because that'll ruin the whole "just do it".
8. I want to do something selfless like charity, but something that I would normally never do like run a 5K marathon. That's a sight I like to see. O_O
9. I want to fall head over heels in love with someone.
10. I want to get my heart broken. I know stupid thing to say, but experience wise I would learn so much.
11. I want to befriend a complete stranger in the most strangest place.
12. I want to get something pierced. I HATE needles, like absolutely HATE them. So this is going to a tough one.
13. I want to go paint balling, I so know I'm going to regret putting this up after the bruises.
14. I want to play a really big prank on someone, muhahah. (6)
15. I want to go on a cruise ship, even if it's a short one.
16. I want to take at least one picture each day, someone with my memory needs pictures to remind me of times that I know, I don't want to forget.
17. I want to go University and just have fun, because girls just wanna have fun (8)
18. I want to waste a ridiculous some of money on something I don't really need. Or maybe get something of a really expensive brand like [insert brand] =]
19. I want to date a guy from a each different stereotypical group. Like a "skater-boy" or a "emo" or a "gangster" and so forth.
20. Most of all I want to be at a point, when I can honestly say I am happy with life and everything between it.

Woo! so take out your stop watches because the deadline till I'm 20 start now. Go! Go! Go!

I feel a bit tired so I'll properly start tomorrow XD.

Thoughts

I think A lot, a bit too much shall we say borderline of becoming a complete psychopath. =] Honestly if anyone had the faintest idea what goes on in my mind, I would be so screwed. The other day someone mentioned how God can hear or see even hidden things. And boy did I get scared. Forget mankind judging you, the big man knows what I'm thinking. Scary. But last time I checked you don't go to hell for thinking stupid stuff. And if there that is true, I'll just ignore the person who said it. Because ignorance is truly bliss. But honestly, my thoughts aren't even coherently or logical. There are all over the place a bit like my homework sheets scattered around my room. I tend to think about the past or the future. Never the present, maybe cause at the moment is way too boring. I am in desperate need of spontaneity like a crack-whore needs cocaine. Beautiful way to describe it, don't ya think. ;) So I was thinking, about how I always think. And I came up with a thought. Thinking is the only place I can be myself, think whatever I like without judgemental eyes. So I'll think away thank you very much...

Homesick

I miss my house. I miss my home. I miss the memories contained within the cold brick of my home. I miss the moments, I lay on my bed thinking. I miss the warm embrace of my bed. I miss my room, my universe all mine. I miss the concrete walls of my rooms. I miss how they all had a mark, a special way for me to recognize it. Like that time I hit my head on the wall because I snorted with laughter. And caused a bit of paint to come off. Or that time, my little brother thought my room was a big canvas for him to draw on. I miss the misty glass from our cold winters. I miss how I would drew little love hearts on it when it fogged up. I miss the carefree, worry free just plain free freedom. I miss how I walked out the door, feeling safer outside than inside. There was nothing I could fear. I miss my friends, my school, my family, my life before, my home, my entire world. I guess I'm just feeling homesick.

La La La

Music is a way to describe your feelings/emotions perfectly. If you can't say it, sing it. Bellow out those note's, regardless if like my you're tune-less. Close the door, shut off reality and just go for it. The only thing stopping you, is you. And you'll realize that in life, it is mostly you. But because we don't like to admit and accept blame for actions we tend to regret we blame it on someone else. Like the old saying " when you point at someone, three fingers are pointing back at you". What I'm trying to say is, just go for it. You want to sing, don't sing. Scream out random lyrics. You want to dance, don't dance. Jump energetically around. You never know when life's little treasure will disappear, so be greed. And used them all up before it is too late. All together now:

La La La ♫♫

Daydreaming

It's like going to bed, wide awake. A perfect little exit from reality. Block out all the noise and letting your mind drift away into a universe designed only by you. Imagination has no barriers, stretching further than the heart can see. No wonder I always daydream, no one to tell me no or judge me in any way. Dreams themselves are one of life's beautiful gifts, but the fact that we can dream outside of the comfort of our bed. Is just incredible, and I am forever grateful. Sometimes I wish that I could forever stay in this blissful state, but it's when you for that split second realize the person in front of you has the weirdest expression on their face, thinking you're staring at them. A very awkward moment indeed. When daydreaming the last thing on my mind is how I look when I do it. To be honest, I don't really care, once I start daydreaming. There's no coming back, well until my teacher shouts at me to pay attention, either way I wish I could stay in my own personal utopia. But nothing good last forever so it's back to reality.

Cheesy

I have the biggest grin imaginable on my face, mainly because of the amazing power of a well known superhero who doesn't need to wear neon spandex to be recognized. No it is not a plane, or a bird or superman, it's a little technology formally known as the Internet. Many thanks to it and a life time of gratefulness. Why? Because thanks to you, I've been able to reunite with old childhood friends. And the feeling was overwhelmingly cheesy. I smiled for no reason. And laughed without a care in the world for the whole day. These special people I haven't seen for about 10 years, so it was such a shocker. Especially at a time when I taught I was losing all familiarity. Old childhood friends enter into my life. Maybe there is hope for a future, without forgetting the past. =]

Opposite

Do opposites attract? Are we really as unique as we make out?

Crush

I wasn't sure if I should write about you, but you know what they say better out than in. And considering the fact that today you have been on my mind more than usual. I just had to open my laptop and start typing. You see, I'm worn out like at the point of giving up. But obviously it's never that easy, otherwise I would've stick to it the last time. Cause every time I want to forget about you, you do something. And that something isn't anything, it puts the biggest smile on my face, and turns my cheeks blazing red. And then for the rest of the day, I rehearse that moment constantly in my head. Maybe that something, may be the most insignificant thing ever like when you say my name in that oh so adorable way, but to me it's everything. God, I swore I would never be like this but what can I say crushes are hard, makes me wish they came with an instruction leaflet. Whenever I want to forget about you. A few minutes pass and you do something that makes me go right back where I started. I've noticed that whenever you're not there, my day pretty much sucks. I know pathetic right, but to be honest it does. This whole thing is way too frustrating for my tiny little mind. I like you, I don't like you, I like you, I don't like you, I need to forget about you, I like you again, Where the hell are you? That pretty much explains my week. I sound so lame. And I am pretty sure in a couple of months, I would be writing the same thing about another boy. A couple of days ago you said I was the best, if only you knew how that erased every trace of any negative emotions I ever felt and flooded me with only positive feelings, feelings I never felt before. I freaking felt like I was flying. Guys please be careful what you say to girls. Actually scratch that say this as much as possible, but not too much or you might be wanted for manslaughter as I could have a heart attack. What intrigues me about you is how mysterious you are, like I mean mysterious, as in I don't know NOTHING about you mysterious. And I'm pretty sure you already think I'm weird, so I won't approach you anymore to get to know you. And OMG! A day or two ago, you hovered over me explaining something, even though you got it wrong it was just way too cute. I couldn't breath like literally my heart stop and that moment felt like a century. And of course knowing that in this life nothing is that perfect, I discover I had a BIG ZIT on my face! Like Rudolph! And I know you saw it because it was HUGE! and you were like millimeters away from my face. I know I sound like such a girl, see what you've turned me into. Argh I could really use an aspirin and a hug to deal with this. =\

Remember

Remember that day we first meet. 7 years ago, Boy if only we knew what the next few years would hold. Maybe, just maybe. No! I never regret meeting you. Life would be just, not life anymore. Do you remember how our old schools playground was turned into a football field just for us. Do you remember how we completely ignored each other? We were so focused on what the hell Naima was saying? She always wanted to be center of attention, commanding all eyes to be on her. The way she jumped up, when Miss asked who wanted to captain, was so typical of her. Do you remember how she barked at us random orders, like fetch the ball. But I refused so Marvianna had to go instead. Woah it's been long since I said her name, much changed since that day. complete 360 some would say. Oh well, maybe another post for that. Do you remember how we were assigned our roles, I was defender, you were keeper. Do you remember how we still didn't see each other? Till that moment. Do you remember how I was joking about with Priscilla calling her "bolle". Do you remember how you laughed so loud, that I turned around. It was then that we first notice each other. I smiled at you and you blushed for laughing so loud and smiled back. I carried on with Priscilla, and you carried on laughing. But that wasn't the day we became friends, you remember? It was that day we went to The Roef for outside school practice for our tournament. Do you remember how it was closed? so we stayed inside. Do you remember how some girls took Naima's hat off and they played piggy in the middle. Do you remember how we joined, and that the hat flew to me. Do you remember how Naima ran towards me and I smacked my back into the wall hitting a nail and I fell down, tears rolled down my eyes? I still remember how painful it was. silly .. ............................................................................................................ ... . .. I remember how you made me smile, how you made me forget all the pain. How you made me laugh. How you were the only one who cheered me up at that time. I remember how you didn't care what people would think of you, or how weird you looked. I remember how you said "Hey, Look!" And rolled around the floor like how a fish does when it gets out of the water. I remember how you made this weird sounds and we both laughed like maniacs. As if it was just us in the room. YOU. .......................................................................... ........................................ The rest is history

Been a While

Okay! I know I haven't posted anything for a while now, but honestly it's cause my laptop broke. No! Honestly! You believe me! Good! So, lets see nothing really happened this week or the one before. I got my results back, there were okay. Decided I'll have to retake about three to get the grades I want. And to be honest I'm pretty excited for University. And erm oh yea, saving up is a bitch. Whenever I don't want to waste money, I notice about a billion things I want to buy. It's as if they know I won't buy it. Why tease me like this? Meanie! And plus I always thought when you save up it would equal to thousands of rock solid cash, but it really isn't. Maybe I'm not doing it properly? Either way I'm really excited about this summer, we'll be reunited in a pretty place which is definitely a plus. What else? Oh yea, I'll promise to write everyday now. =]

Secrets

I cry when I'm alone because being vulnerable reveals us, I whisper things that really are on my mind but if you ask me what I just said I'll deny it.

I look at people for acceptance because I've rejected myself. When I close my eyes, it is not because there's something in my eye even though I'll convince you otherwise. It's because I can't deal with reality. When my laugh fills the classroom, all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry. I won't tell you when I'm upset, or if I'm angry. I'll just smile it off and change the topic. Why? Because I'm scared if I told you, I don't know when to stop. I'm like a vulcano ready to errupt. Kept these emotions hiding for too long, so I smile and laugh harder than normal to ensure they stay hidden. Because you don't realize how much I miss you, seconds past, minutes, hours, days, years but that feeling never leaves. It haunts my every move, word, tear, step, smile. Breaths down my neck whenever I close my eyes. Torments every dream. You might be thinking why don't I just tell you? Because it isn't fair on you. I can tell you feel the exact way or sometime even worse. It clouds the athmosphere whenever we speak. I know you love to pretend to be thick skinned and that nothing hurts you, I know that this is not the case. I won't tell you because I don't want to be the reason for the pain. Instead I'll sniff all the tears back in, shove the words back into my throat and close my mouth with a key. I'll do this everyday untill we are at a place where we can be completely honest, when we are together. Cause I'll take a life time of pain to ensure you don't feel an ounce of it. But...I..Miss..You..

.

What? Oh nothing, I didn't even say something!

What if?

Pirate bones by Natasha Bedingfield. I absolutely love this song. It made me think, about life and what ifs? I mean we all wish life was different, or that something might have gone differently. So I ask myself what if? What if there wasn't any rain, would we be able to see a rainbow? What if there wasn't any silence, would we notice a sound? What if there wasn't any pain, would we appreciate any joy? What if there wasn't any though, could there be a word? What if we were all the same, would you recognise me? What if my cheeks were sculpted, would I smile differently? What if my voice was louder, would the meaning be silenced? What if my eyelashes were longer, would it shelter my from the world? What if my mother language was different, would I be like an lost orphan? What if I was smaller, wouldn't I find a different way to be taller? So many questions left unanswered. Quite frankly I don't know, if what ifs are even worth it. I know reality at times sucks, but a what if isn't going to changed that. It would just lead to more grief. Anyway what ifs are overrated. Instead of shedding tears for the things you don't have. Smile and celebrate what you do have. So I am happy that my eyes aren't blue, that my nose, mouth, ears, face, cheeks are at the right size for me anyway.

Change

The end of an era is slowly creeping upon us, are we ready to let go of familiarity and enter into the unknown. Slowly I can feel the fingertips of its security slipping away, one by one. Until one day, that is it. It's only me against the world. Buckle up, it's going to be sure as hell a bumpy ride.

Goodbye

I've made up my mind, once and for all. I've given up hope, honestly I'm completely worn out. I feel like ,you know when you've been in a bath for way too long, and your fingers become all pruned up. Well that's the best way I can describe this "friendship". The longer I keep on this charade, the more its going to hurt or change me. Clearly I don't want either to happen. So the only thing we can do is to part. Because we're both at fault here, and I'll put my hands straight up to that. I shouldn't have carried you along for so long. I should have been more open and honest about my feelings, but I didn't. Instead I fooled you into thinking everything is okay, when it isn't. And for that I'm sorry. I'm even more sorry because I'm carrying on the charade until we finish school. I keep convincing myself it's because I don't want our mutual friends feeling uncomfortable. But to be honest I'm a bit of a coward cause I have not got the slightest idea on how you might react. Same way, I didn't know that you was going to hurt me. I have picture many different scenarios on how I'm going to tell you. If only you knew. Realistically I know not even one of those scenarios will come true, it would be too easy. Life is never easy. Hopefully we can look back at this and maybe learn something at least. I know you'll hate me and we'll lose touch. Because your the type of person who would hold a grudge. But I want you to know, it wasn't easy. Which shows I did, do still care about you. And I'll treasure our memories. But sadly the bad moments outweigh the good. Leaving me here in this cold room, waving goodbye to a soon to be old friend..

Noticed

I have noticed that it is useless to try and forget the past and moved on. What you did, weighs onto me like an anchor refusing to let go. Hatred, jealousy, aggravated. None of those emotions are associated with you to be frank, I don't feel anything. Except confusion, do I really want you in my life? I don't know the answer to that. At days I wish I never met you, sometimes I'm actually glad I did. Either way I've met you now, I trusted you and you threw it back into my face expecting me to be fine with it. Clearly I'm not. Clearly its not all fine. Are you delusional or just extremely naive. It makes me wonder how your mentality really works.

Summary

Guilty

Today I lied to myself convincing myself all is fine. And because I lied to myself I also lied to others. I lied to you. I smiled and shrugged it off when you asked if I was okay? Instead I wanted to break down and let out the tears I've been hiding. I told a few jokes, so your laughter could drain out my thought process. When I ask you if you could go shops for me, it wasn't because I was hungry at the time. I just needed you gone for a second, before I did something irrationally. Because my mind was screaming at itself telling me countless words I want to tell you, but in reality they might never leave my lips. Sadly, it's getting harder each day though I would never admit this. I rehearse what I say to you, to make sure that I don't let anything slip. I walk oh so carefully and smile my widest smile, so you would never guess. That it is all an act. An act which I have perfected for quite some time and I can't seem to differentiate this "me" with the real me. It pains me because I'm meant to enjoy my last few months at school for ever, yet I count the mini seconds till its over. Till I never have to see you again. I'm so sorry but it isn't good for my health. Believe me I tried. Over and over again. I just...can't let it go. It is just there, every time, haunting every step, every breath I take. Just following me like some bad smell that just won't wash away. And that's because I can't wash it away, well not at this moment without ruining everything, for everybody. I feel so guilty to myself, others and most of all to you. It might not mean anything but...

.

Sorry!

Blush

Today was quite a good day for once. The guy whom I swore I didn't have any feeling towards any more, was eaves dropping into my conversation and was laughing slyly at what I was saying. Woah, I have never turned so red in my life. It was as if all those emotions from the past couple of months slapped me across the face. So obviously I acted like such a girl, cause my mind sort of betrays me at moment like these and it goes completely blank. Picture a complete retard, well that's how I looked like. And now I have to figure out what the hell is going on between our little roller-coaster ride, because I'm starting to get nauseous.

Imperfection

Have you ever notice that imperfection actually say: "I'm Perfection". Or imperfect says "I'm Perfect". Okay the apostrophe isn't in the actual word but you know what I mean. I am just going to pretend you never notice that and that I am a complete genius. I'm going to carry on with my genius-ness, hehe. To be honest I hate both word in general because they're simply mean. Out of all the words in the universe regardless of any language. I find these words the worst. Because nobody is perfect, we're all humans who make mistakes some more than others but who cares. We've been all given an unclear path without any navigation skills, so we're bound to get lost somehow. And its the time that we have been lost, that we learnt from because we tried so hard to go back to the path that we were previously on. And that in its self is an accomplishment to be proud of, some people would give up. Yet still these people aren't imperfect because some of life's greatest challenges is to know when to give up and start another route. Sometimes we cross paths not with everyone but with some. Feel privileged, because you are able to take a bit of their path and learn from them. Life, love, friendship and all other beauties in life are two way streets, so if you fill your street with kindness, care and love may you find another street which compliments or completes your street. Fill it with harshness, cruel words and unhappiness then don't be shocked if you meet other streets that are worse than yours. Okay enough metaphors to do with street, roads and stuff. What I'm trying to say is we are all perfect in our own way. And nobody or nothing can tell us otherwise. . Tear those horrid words from your dictionary and watch your own unique perfection blossom.

Wish

Tongue-tied

There so many things that I want to say to you, but I can't. Not right now at least. I used to be this strong confident person who said what was on her mind. But lately around you it is getting harder and harder. Sometimes I have this crazy urge to pull you outside and let my mind unfold right in front of you. But the thing is, it isn't pleasant to hear for either of us. I can't pretend and keep up the charade no longer. The mask is slowly peeling off. And I am terrified for what that day will hold for our future if there is one left after. You see through this painted smile of mine hide oceans of tears. Over my loud laugh, you won't see the bruises this has caused. Sometimes I feel that when I'm around you I have this thick layer over the real me, because you hurt me once what is to say you won't again. The sad thing is I can see cracks appearing and I don't want to fix them, not at all. I have to one day be true to myself, my old self and tell you how I am feeling. Because this is always going to be in the way, sometimes everything is okay. And then just for a moment, even though it is a small moment. I can feel it in my guts that nothing is truly okay.

Chapter

Holy cheese! I haven't posted anything in a while! sorry,I would love to say I have been busy or some uberduper excuse but to be honest I haven't. I have been so LAZY! Like I can't be bothered with anything at all. The weather is also a major downer. Like today I spent almost an hour or 2 outside cause nobody was home and because I'm such a total genius I forgot the keys. Boy, it was hard I tell ya, really hard because it was so so so cold. I felt like an icicle, today honestly made me appreciate the heating and my bed so much more than usual. I almost kissed it but I stopped cause my mum gave me one of those "Is she really my child? Surely I wasn't this weird?". So instead I mentally kissed it. Oh summer please hurry up! you see I like winter, when it's snowing I love the snow. But since the move I haven't seen much of it, but I have seen a whole lot of rain and general freezing minus zero temperatures. So to be frank, I sure as hell won't miss seeing the last of that. Okay being the indecisive child that I am, I'm not looking so forward to the summer. Mainly because it's my last year in school and though I won't admit this out loud so I'll whisper it instead. I am going to miss everyone and I mean everyone so badly. But then at the same time I want school to be over with and not close that chapter of my life but maybe put a little fold at the top of the page, so when I want to look back at it I can. Yet, like time itself I have to move on, so in that case here I come all my pen's, stickers and colours filling up a new chapter. But before I do that let's finish this chapter with a Bang! I want to say what's on my heart to somebody. Confess something to another and just enjoy and grab everything that comes to me with a big hug and a cheesy grin...

Anxiety

I have a feeling something is going to happen. A really bad feeling.

Don't know when or how. It keeps me up at night. It is all i think about at times. I would never admit this out loud but I'm scared, petrified. You see I don't like change. Full stop. Change scares me. I lay there in my bed, my eyes wide open counting the seconds because no matter how hard I try I cant stop change.

Smile

Breakdown

Ha-ha!! You didn't realize I was this strong. Dont EVER underestimate me. Okay, I can see the confused expression on your face. Let's say, there was this girl and a "friend" of hers. Well, this girl accepted her "friends" fake smile and lies. Till the webs of deception tied the girl up while her "friend" eyes drank her frail mind up. But what's she didn't realize was that this girl personality is multifaceted (hint hint :P) meaning this girl has many different side/aspects to her. Making her unpredictable. This "friend" didn't realize this that these sides are unseen to the the naked eye. And these sides only come out to played when needed, like an Arabian snake that dances out of its woven box when the music plays. I am counting the days and minute when I like a snake can dance out of my little box and sting you leaving you shocked. No, this is not about revenge but about sending a message...

Optimistic

Optimist thinking is the key to happiness, and happiness unlocks many, many doors. Rewind that horrible moment and re-evaluate, look at the little things and smile. You learned something, and remember experience is priceless. Life without the adversity is like a rainbow without a little rain. Adversity allows growth as human beings so we can develop and progress into who we are. It's sort of like a puzzle and it's impossible to finish a puzzle without getting a few pieces wrong. Smile throughout and be positive and the pieces will come to you. Think about it if you expect the worst, the worst will come to you. Fair enough expecting the worst ensures you won't be disappointed, but sometimes letting your hopes and aspiration pass several galaxies is great. You may not reach them but what the hey! At least the scenery above you is breathtaking. Life is so short, sadly death is inevitable but why give in. Scare death with optimism, hope and dreams, grab life by its bullhorns and ride it to the ground. Sometimes, yes you need to cry, scream, kick and punch around but you see much clearer once you washed the dirt with floods of tears. So don't be afraid, scream all you want laugh untill you pee yourself. Look in the mirror and be proud, you belong to the 10% of the world that are happy. And when you feel down, look back and count all the things that you're grateful for even include things you would normally overlook, like being alive, breathing, being able to read ;)

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I dare you to actually live!

Soulmate

6 billions people walk on this planet right this minute, 6 billion. And you honestly expect me to find you, I might as well find a needle in a haystack while I'm at it. What if you brush past me in the high street or you're on the other side of the world. Would I expect you to be the exact replicate of the man in my wildest dreams. Or are you just ordinary. You see the thing is Hollywood messed with my mind. I wouldn't know if you were the one unless we bumped into each other and our eyes lock in that cringe but oh so adorable way and we're both left speechless. Of course you'll be the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes upon. And I'm this "babe" who has the perfect hair, clothes and manages the perfect job while having the most incredible body. But guess what, I'm not that girl and if I did bump into someone it wouldn't be romantic as I would properly kill or seriously injure them (I'm extremely clumsy and tend to have my arms/legs flying all over the place usually punching/kicking people). So maybe you've walked past me tons of time, maybe our arms may have brushed against each other. I might have even glanced at you twice and thought:"Hubba Hubba" (yes that is my initial response to hot men in my mind of course,imagine saying that out loud, awkward) The thing that scares me, is that in reality is not actually 6 billion people out there that could be your soul mate. It's more in the 1,000, I mean in this society even though we don't like to admit it race, nationality, religion, sexuality (well that one's a bit obvious) separate us. And now that divorce rates have increased... but hey! don't worry there's a soulmate for everyone. I think this statement is just an optimistic way so we can carry on with life, because no one is sure of what the future holds. Therefore we get this little hope that everything will be fine. If I have to be perfectly honest, yes I would love to believe in a soulmate but can I...

Yes!

Distance

I.Love.You

.

The spaces between these words resemble the ocean splitting up continents. I Blame the ocean for separating the world, no unity. each to its own, miles apart. We may yearn for world peace but how can we if we're so far apart. Distance matters no matter how many times you assure yourself it doesn't. My best friend lives in another country, and I hate it! But of course I can't tell her this, I mean we are mobile creatures therefore its inevitable that distance parts us. Phone's, MSN, Facebook may allow us to communicate, but sometimes I just want you by my side. I want to be able to hug you when adversity hits you, not comfort you over MSN. It frustrate's me beyond belief but I just have to smile and hide the tears when you ask me if I'm okay. Why? If I could cross the ocean in a second and stay by your side, trust me I would in a heart beat. But life is never that easy, instead I sit here miles away telling you I love you. While instead I could've told you in person because the static waves of a telephone will never convey the emotion within the I love you making it sound less meaningful. You don't realize that my heart smashes in pieces when you don't pick up the phone or when I can't find you online. You have been my best friend for almost 7 years that's almost half my life. Yet I'm not there for your birthday celebration or your school shows. All I can do is hope, hope that one day we will be at least in the same country like we used to be. Hope.

Empty

I feel empty. Just empty. I shook myself to see if my contents would spill, but nothing. I am empty. Maybe it's because I giving up on caring, nothing seems to faze me any more. The world could tremble with fear and I wouldn't even flinch. I don't know whether I should be scared or worried, to be frank I don't even understand why I feel this way. Maybe boredom, I mean life is so dull at the moment I am in desperate need of spontaneity, anything would do. Mehh! the clock strikes second further away into the unknown. You see time is oblivious to anything,it simply just doesn't care, its job is to tick and tock and that's exactly what it does. Time doesn't ask questions, stops and think, it doesn't have a conscious or any once of sympathy. Whether you like it or not time waits for no one. Properly by now a minute or so has passed, what I just did before that is now in the past. If you think about it that's pretty scary, every cells in my body yearns for me to just have superpowers that allows me to freeze time but sadly I am unable to that. I can't. Ever. So, what about the future, seeing as the past is a lost cause. I think the future is a blank canvas and the paint you're using is the past but they way you paint is the present. Or am I just babbling nonsense...

Reality

Tired oceans swallow the fears

Soothing waves engulf the despair

Closed eyes erase memories of those years

Wishing I was elsewhere

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Darkness inhales the sense of worry

Exhaling shadows of curiosity

Making everything blurry

Hiding the societies bitter animosity

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Light radiates the sensation of my skin

Tracing a burning pattern of sunlight

Forcing my soul to wake up from within

I flutter my eyelids in spite

..

Because never will reality be as bliss

As only behind closed eyes does this world exist

Tick tock

The phrase:"If only I could turn back time" speaks volumes to many people...the thought of undoing something you regret sounds like music to my ears. Imagine life was that easy, no regrets, no worries, just with a blink of an eye and I undid my past and changed my future. Just close your eyes and think back to all those moments that you wished you'd done differently. Life would be bliss right? but then how are we meant to learn and progress if we didn't have any regrets. It makes you wonder would you still be the person you are today? Taking that into account, I am glad we didn't have a delete button or the fact that I couldn't grab all the words I didn't mean and shove it back it into my mouth. I mean there was a reason I said that, fair enough it could been said in a different way, but then it wouldn't be me saying it. I admit once something comes out of your mouth, that's it, it just there, suffocating you as the words tightly grasp your neck and you're left speechless. But then looking back at it a sense of relieve overwhelms me because it's finally off my chest. I learned from those experiences and became the person I am today. So I guess I don't regret some moments, it's just how those moments turned out were rather disappointing. Because people do surprise you, one moment everything is fine, the next it is a total disaster and because you were so unprepared, it just hits you like a ton of bricks, crushing you because you were so defenceless. And that's why I have a barrier around my heart, and every time pieces of my heart fall down like leaves off a tree, this barrier becomes thicker and thicker

Silhouette

I stand there looking at a silhouette, I've seen far too many times its left footprints on my skull. It is of course you bitterly smiling at something, that just sits there looking so frail and weak. Just the mere thought of the unimaginable torment this person is going through has brought me to tears. And that's when you turn and ask me to come closer, as I walk towards you. I realize the person your smiling at is, me...

.

The loud thumbing of my heart broke the silence, my breath desperately searching for air. My eyes trying so hard to adjust to the dark, and that's when I find myself drowning in my own sweat fighting back the tears. ahh...another nightmare! The nightmares are just a sweet reminder of what you did to me. You see years have past yet the pain hasn't completely healed. The worst thing is am I desperately holding on to any memory of you regardless of whether it's good or bad. Because once I forget you then what? Am I really going to just like that, go on with my life. What if the path I follow then, isn't the one I want to be on at all? All I want is to live life like I used to, free of worries and what if's, to not second guess everything. But what you did was the ultimate betrayal, should I thank you for showing me what people are really capable off. Or should I despise you for not letting me trust any one any more, always expecting the worst. You see there's one thing that I can't get my head round, no matter what you did.

.

.

I still love you!

A Raw Version

Welcome and enter into my world, embrace my thoughts, dreams and aspirations as fresh air breathed into a newborn. Feel alive as I display my soul like an open book to you. Some pages may be rough others smooth, some may be damp from the bitter stench of my tears others may shine brighter than the glorious moon. You might not like it at times but I've laid bare the raw imperfections of myself, surely that's a sight that won't be forgotten. You see words are powerful weapons they can tear one's heart apart if you're not careful. Yet the best words said are the most unexpected, pure, right out of the heart, unedited, raw ones. Those are the words that carve into your memories holding it so dear just like a mother who held her child for the first time. And here lay my words, I promise I won't rehearse them or edit them in any way because the rawness of one's speech is what makes it so magical.